Hasta'el Cometh!

With the world wide web as my witness this I declare!

Let the world know...

...that with all my being, I care for Zorina Abad

...that I'll love and care for her until the day I breathe my last and if possible after that

...that I'll express this love until she asks me to stop and perhaps even after that

...that I'll fight for this with all my heart until she herself bids me to surrender

...that I'm sincere in all that I've said and if one day I be found to have lied, let this same world spit on my face, shun me for the rest of my days and brand me an anathema. Let it be that should I be found to have lied that the next world bring me to any matter of hell it seems fit.

Love is impatient,
           Impatient as hunger and thirst.
           Impatient as the moon in the few moments just before dusk falls.
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love is cruel,
           Cruel as death which cares not for the prayers of any man.
           Cruel as the rain which falls without thought of who gets wet.
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now. 
Love is jealous,
           Jealous as the elderly watching the vigor of the youth.
           Jealous as the youth craving the freedom of their elders.
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love is proud,
           Proud as mothers cradling their newly born children.
           Proud as peacocks with their colored fans and heads held high.
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love is rude,
           Rude as chance who spoils the most elegant of plans
           Rude as the rays of light penetrating those heavy eyelids in the morn.
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love is selfish,
           Selfish as the sun who blocks off light from all other stars during the day.
           Selfish as weeds choking the life from all other plants nearby
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love is quick-tempered,
           Quick as a flash of lightning breaking the serene horizon of the city skyline
           Quick as the rush of water gushing forth from a broken dam
           For love knows no time and place but the here and the now.
Love broods over injury,
           Its wounds leave the most glorious of scars
                              and these scars distort the otherwise flawless skin.
                                          what was perfect remains so in imperfection

For love knows no time and place but the here and the now

and yet
 
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

I had a dream two nights ago.

I saw you again... held your hand.

I realized how much I missed you.

How much I still miss you.

It may not be love but I do care for you still.

Even when you are so far away...

Close... yet so far away

O how I wish lost hearts have compasses
To guide them throughout the uncharted seas
Where the waves seem gentle and relaxes
Together with the calm and cool bay breeze
For these seas are quick to tear asunder
Unknowing vessels that floats along by
Silence is broken by crash of thunder
And dark clouds fill up the once clear blue sky
Alas that no such compasses exists
And thus I pray to be your own captain
With me at the helm all we can resist
As we both sail across the uncertain
   So drop the maps which you already drew
   And I shall make all these seas safe for you     

There are only two previous incidents when I scored more than 1 goal in a single game.

The first one was during a pick-up game at the Sunken Garden. I had no plans to play that day but Kath was talking to Char and I has going to accompany the latter home that day and so while they were sitting at the acad oval benches I headed down Sunken Garden to mope (don't ask). Several players approached me, I played with them during a fun game at the soccer madness at the Block. So we played a little four on four and the opposing team quickly put us to the sword building a massive 6-1 lead. I was frustrated... not only because of the game  but because of other reasons as well (don't ask). My next touch of the football saw me back against the goal, turning and firing past the goalkeeper in one motion. In the next few minutes I managed to tie the game scoring another 4. The game ended 11-7 in our favor... I scored 7 that day.

Then I scored six past KEM during last years Eng'g Soccer despite a horrible start missing sitters and mistiming kicks. Of note was a goal direct from my goal kick floating down into the opposing goal's top right corner. I scored from a few tap-ins as well but the quality of most of the goals where lacking.

Today, I put four in four United Fort Team B's winning effort against United Fort Team A. I'm in a state of absolute ecstasy as I battled against extremely good players and still managing to create chances for me and my teammates.

The game actually began with me playing for team A and putting up a forgettable performance up front and was benched quickly. I was then invited to sub for Team B and I rarely turn down any chance to play.

Team A was already on cruise control and has already caught up and surpassed the pre-game lead Team B had. Sitting in the Centre Forward position didn't really do me well as Team A pushed on forward. I sank a bit and found an opportunity to take away possession from the opposing team in their own half. I played the ball in between the two defenders and quickly ran after it using my body to block incoming defenders. At the right wing, I manage to slot home a goal to the far post.

My second goal was a bit of a fluke as I lost control of the ball right in front of the opposing goal with two teammates nearby to tap it in. As I tried to regain control I accidentally dribbled it underneath Aaron's legs and into the goal thus scoring my second.

My third goal comes from a cross/shot from the right wing which misses both my teammate and the goalkeeper on it's way to the far post top corner.

My fourth comes from a brilliant assist from Stephen as he leaves the ball right into my path allowing me to smash it to the back post.

I'm on high now and I beg your pardon for this self-centered post.

I wasn't the best player on the pitch but right now I still feel like I can do anything.

BRING IT ON!

ENG'G WEEK HERE WE COME!

Yesterday, I saw an old woman in a wheelchair struggling to get practically anywhere. There were a number of bystanders nearby and I was on my way to accomplish my household duties. However, nobody seems to give a damn about the old lady and so I just couldn't refuse when she looked at me and asked for my help.

She wasn't that heavy but then she had so many stuff hanging all over the wheelchair that it was quite a challenge to get it moving.  The right wheel looks beyond repair but at least it still turns somewhat. I didn't know how far I was going to push her and the "tambays" were snickering in the background. She muttered: "Why are you laughing? The time for judgement is near".

Of course, I was taken aback and despite everything I knew that I had to continue pushing.

One long block of poorly paved streets and we stopped for a bit. She told me to buy her some snacks... mimi's to be exact. She gave me money to do so and thus I ran to the nearest shop and asked for the said snack. Of course, it didn't help that the first time she told me to buy mimi's she mentioned she was thirsty and so I thought it was a drink. It took me two trips back and forth to get what she wanted. At the store, the bewildered tindera asked me what was going on and so I told her what happened. The customers and the tindera then revealed to me that the old lady could actually walk...

I didn't really know what I felt at the moment...

a bit of embarassment, some anger

For a brief moment I thought about giving the old lady a piece of my mind...

But instead... I bought her chocolate snacks and asked her where she was headed and continued pushing...

I don't really understand why I did that...

I just thought that she really needed help... or maybe the feeling of being helped

I, for one, needed to feel being needed...

and so in a sense, we decieved one another...

She decieved me by feigning disability.

I decieved her by feigning ignorance.

In the end, I think we both got what we wanted.

O huntress, I be your prey as each night
You stalk me in the wilderness of dreams.
The snares you set prohibit any flight
And I surrender as your weapon gleams.
Your blade (as sharp as roses' thorns) threaten
And her piercing eyes keep me rooted down.
As she draws nearer, my courage lessens;
My throat dries up then suddenly I drown
In the deep fear of her lethal coldness
As well as her beauty's radiant glow.
Huntress, I pray stay the blade you possess
Else I pray her true nature to me show
And bury your blade deep inside my soul.
Take forever the sanity you stole.


*  This is the first poem in a sonnet sequence I'll be working on for the next few months.
** It's dedication will be evident in the last sonnet of the sequence
 

What is it that drives an individual to action? Allow me to begin my short discourse on taking action.

Actions are brought about by selfishness, inherently everything we do is selfish at its very core. To eat, drink and breathe are brought about our wish to go on living. We help others because ultimately it makes us feel good either because we are helping people dear to us or because we feel it is the right thing to do. Selfishness isn't such a negative thing when you think about it.

Is there an action that allows us to escape our selfishness?

The selfless is in fact selfish because the idea of being selfless appeals to the self. So when we think of others we are actually thinking of ourselves. Helping them is imposing ourselves to their reality. Writing about them is merely writing about ourselves. The paradox of this situation is evident but at the same time its truths are soundly based on human reasoning.

Let us take sacrifice as an example, since it is commonly observed as something selfless even messianic. Sacrifice is basically giving something up for the benefit of others but the weight of the thing being given up must be grave in order to do justice to the term. The action itself looks selfless enough but lets go to the process of taking that action.

Who are you sacrificing for?

 It's a choice you make and are therefore privileging a certain group over another (this can be as simple as privileging them over me). The selection of others  as opposed to oneself is still an affirmation of your power... You get to choose and therefore because it is choice you are actually affirming your own value judgment system which in turn puts you in the right. Clearly, though the results could be considered selfless the reasoning behind it is far from it.

What are you sacrificing?

Again, its a choice otherwise it wouldn't be a sacrifice nor would it be an action which is credited to that individual doing it. The thing being sacrificed would always be a of lesser personal weight to the individual as opposed to the recipients of the sacrifice. Again it is still the self's call whether the sacrifice is worth it or not.

Granted that it is important to note that a sacrifice is not a bargain but rather a decision that is weighted differently due to the situation (meaning it wouldn't normally be considered under normal circumstances). It is the situation that transforms a gift into a sacrifice but although the weights become different it is still the individual who gives them their value.

How about love?

What is love but to desire complete happiness for the object of our affection? The key term is desire, we desire their happiness, the self desires the happiness of the other. Even the definition of happiness is dependent on the self which leads to miscommunication at times. Love is not selfless, it is finding the self in another. Love is jealous because it is through jealousy that we separate into strata the people we love. The more jealous we feel, the more we love someone because love isn't just that desire to make them happy, but it is also the desire to be their source of happiness. In their happiness, do we find our own happiness and so we really go back to the self.

So how do we escape the self?

Maybe when our every action is decided by the roll of a dice or coin toss then we can remotely experience being selfless. While we judge, criticize, interpret or even think we will always be selfish.

So whenever you keep doing something that hurts you, you must be getting something out of it. Just that choice of feeling the pain means you are getting something out of it.

so speaketh the Silvertongue

I pick myself up from a fall.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

My heart is racing, somehow I know that this time it would be different.

Everything else seems to move slowly and I forget to breathe.

Complete silence.

From the corner of my eye, I see movement forward, blurs.

Faces are waiting eagerly; waiting for that moment of triumph or tragedy.

For a moment my past mistakes call to me and I hesitate.

I breathe them out as I breathe the moment in again.

The air smells fresher here, this would be different.

I take a few steps back to look at things from a wider perspective.

I felt fear realizing how far away I am from my goal.

A part of me tells me that there is only heartbreak in trying.

Another part tells me otherwise.

I breathe out my fear as I breathe in the expectation.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

The sound comes flooding in.

I am not alone.

There are those who have decided to stand against me

There are those who are waiting to pounce on my arrogance.

There are those who are cheering me on the side lines.

There are those running with me but I was standing still.

I breathe out my acknowledgments as I breathe in their company.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

I am not alone but I am lonely.

At that spot, no other person can keep me company.

My fears return as I recollect past memories.

I hesitate.

I am too far away.

And yet just the mere sight of you gave me enough reason to breathe all of these out again.

The imagined adulation of success is intoxicating.

I breathe in the intoxication.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

One step.

Two steps.

My pace quickens as I draw closer.

At the point of no return, I breathe out all my passions.

The movement stops.

Silence.

I breathe in the silence.

I forget to breathe sometimes.

I breathe out.

The sound comes flooding back in.

The is music in the air.

Applause.

I breathe in the ecstasy.

I run without direction, blinded by this moment were everything feels right.

I stop and raise my hands.

I breathe out my thanks.

But I forget to breathe sometimes.

For all my delving into symbols and claiming that they don't mean anything, it only took two  supposedly meaningless symbols to put me in this state which I can't even give a symbol for.

All I know is that this is not a good feeling.

The world is bleeding emeralds
Slowly dripping down window panes and half shut eyes
There is not a dry seat in the house, ladies and gentlemen
Not one, not one at all
And I smile, yes, I smile but not of content
But of contempt!
Contempt against the world!
The world that speaks only of denials and
of pulling and pushing and grabbing
Of dreams...
Of ripping and and tearing
Inside, all we see is green
In fact, you are covered in it

Leave the earth and come with me, fly away to eternity
For there be no worries there as we both float on angel's hair.
Take my hand, let your fears be; into the sunset we shall flee.

In the skies we're truly free if you just raise your eyes and see
The chorus singing. Forget all care as we climb heaven's stair.
Leave the earth and come with me, fly away to eternity.

Fly! Fly! Fly away with me. I'll sing no songs of tragedy.
There we'll ask not how we'll fare instead shake off our every care.
Take my hand, let your fears be; into the sunset we shall flee.

To soar beyond and be free from the mires of reality,
Is in fact, our dreams to snare from their lost and forgotten lair.
Leave the earth and come with me, fly away to eternity.

Just glide through the skies with me; take my hand in yours. Don't worry
About the world that's so unfair. Forget all the sorrows that we bear.
Take my hand, let your fears be; into the sunset we shall flee.

From the past, let us break free; far, far away just you and me.
Away from the eyes that stare. Away from them if you just dare
Leave the earth and come with me, fly away to eternity.
Take my hand let your fears be; into the sunset we shall flee.

I feel so confused and alone...

Trapped inside a fun house.

Mirrors everywhere.

It is inescapable...

It becomes necessary for sanity to be defined by others.

It doesn't mean that if everything is a construction we should deconstruct everything.

No rules, no ideologies, complete freedom... Death

Death is ultimately the ultimate freedom...

It's time to free to the world.

Lost.

Confused.

Fading away...

The only way to change things is to destroy everything...

To create is merely to pad the system.

To destroy is to reveal that there is nothing true, nothing real...

And I cannot write other than about myself...

In analyzing texts, it is only myself I can analyze

My questions and my answers.

My fears and aspirations...

All it takes is one bad day

I will be everywhere...

therefore nowhere...

Give me something to believe in...

Something I dare not destroy....


















Lest I destroy myself...

We thought that the night's events were over and dealt with little did we know that one more loomed beyond the corner. Walking home from saturday's events, we found ourselves confronted by a drunk man who had just awoken from the streets. He pointed at me as the cause of his rude awakening and I was quick to try and placate him but I failed miserably.

Drunk: Pare, may tanong ako sa iyo, naliliitan ka ba sa akin?
Me: Hindi naman. Bakit?
Drunk: Ang yabang mo ah! Sino ba mas kilala mo kaliwa o kanan? (Raises both fists)
Me: Wala akong kilala sa kanila
Drunk: Sino mas kilala mo?! (Sabay sungab)

He was drunk so it was pretty easy to dodge his strikes, but I got a bit irritated and so I planted a knee just below his midrift. I managed to smile as I saw him hit the deck after my counter-attack. The smile quickly faded when he drew an icepick from his filthy shorts. I felt my muscles tense as I slowly inhaled what could have been my last breath and luckily for me his drunkeness caused him to hesitate a bit allowing me to grab his stabbing arm and arm drag him down. I took the ice pick as I tried to locked in an armbar. He breaks free from it surprisingly and got back up to his feet. The guards were already running to our position and their shouts made me turn my head. I swear I didn't mean what happened next but the drunk man charged at me, straight into his ice pick which I was still holding. I was taken to the station, I gave my statements... They texted me this afternoon that the guy breathed his last just this morning... I killed a man... I killed two...

I killed him.

I killed myself.

I am Joscar Malacaman

A Murderer






















































and a fictionist (hahahaha)

If there be fate, let actions cease
    Let breathing halt to pay life's lease
The existance of a grandest plan
    Denies the life of every man

If there be one truth, let minds rot
    Let fade away all that life begat
The existance of a universal fact
    Robs the sweetness of life's extract

So let me drown in my delusion
    Let me live in my freedom's illusion
For I know that truths are never real
    What's essential is what we feel

For it is through charting our own course
    That we draw meaning from its source
Should there be in truth, a destiny
    Then let me die than cease to be free

 

(For my Bits)

I write our names on the dry hardened bark
Of memories. Deftly engraved in the heart
of those whose lives we touched. The stark
contrast drawn by the knife as we start
To carve the emerald dream shared by kindred
spirits. On this eve of the silver fire, eight
branches do I dream, dressed in garlands red
with passion that burns in me. But it's late
and I am all but spent. My life in the emerald
dream enters twilight, enough time have I slept.
One more seedling to be nurtured, to herald
it's entry to the dream as fears are to be swept.

When I awake, please remember that I am with you still
Though time and space tear us asunder, my care for you is real. 

Rhythmic pulses jar the eyes in an imagined
Movement of light. A blank canvas faintly
changing in my sight. A tapestry of lies.
The shadows dance with the thunder as
My strained vision blurs reality is torn asunder
Light seems to draw the darkness in as its
Tendrils creep around. In my isolation
I begin to drown as the rooms begins to spin.
I hear it call, it beckons me. A voice
from beyond the light. With the shadows
My soul takes flight and I feel truth's majesty.

How lovely these dark clouds are
Massive castles in the sky looming over us
Their towers and walls have no room for subtlety
As their war drums rumble and their beacons flash

How lovely these dark clouds are
Gargantuan paws ready to pounce and rip
A raging beast rearing, ready to be released
And its snarks and growls shake the very earth

How lovely these dark clouds are
A shadowy old shroud to wrap the world in
A blanket of darkness to cover all the land
The shuffle of footsteps echo the funeral march

How lovely these dark clouds are
These soothsayers of impending disasters
For though they sing of storms in the horizon
They hide not their true nature unlike men

A Painting of Elysium
Joscar Malacaman

I dreamed of vast rolling plains and lush verdant pastures
Of clouds playfully dancing in the sky of deepest blue
I then saw a stream of sparkling water gushing forth
From mountains veiled in luminous snow like gentle tears fall

I felt the calm, cool breeze; it tickled my heavy heart
Entranced, I watched it deftly paint your portrait in the sky
Your face, it had no trace of grief; sorrow can't be found
Upon it I see not a shroud of despair but hope's light

I heard your name whispered; sweetly carried by the wind
It was a voice filled with sadness and yet ever hopeful
A figure from a distance gazes at the same sky
A man, radiantly shining with love, he is the painter.

    To the west, to the west, lie the gates of Elysium
     From the east, the wind, he watches over you for always

A Painting of Elysium
Joscar Malacaman

I dreamed of vast rolling plains and lush Verdant pastures
Of clouds playfully dancing in the sky of deepest blue
I then saw a stream of sparkling water gushing forth
From mountains veiled in luminous snow like gentle tears fall

I felt the calm, cool breeze; it tickled my heavy heart
Entranced, I watched it deftly paint your portrait in the sky
Your face, it had no trace of grief; sorrow can't be found
Upon it I see not a shroud of despair but hope's light

I heard your name whispered; sweetly carried by the wind
It was a voice filled with sadness and yet ever hopeful
A figure from a distance gazes at the same sky
A man, radiantly shining with love, he is the painter.

    To the west, to the west, lie the gates of Elysium
     From the east, the wind, he watches over you for always